How… (in the world), Do You Move On From Disappointment?

Have you ever been disappointed by someone close to you?  I’m not talking about full out betrayal’s… an, “excuse me, can you turn around so I can jab this knife in your back,” kind of thing.  I’m talking about someone significant in your life letting you down…gently, almost accidentally, without any meaning of direct harm to you personally.  But, its’ still hurtful and discouraging, regardless of intent.  It kinda’ stinks really.

Why does this happen sometimes?  Maybe because you’re not on the same page; a miscommunication of some kind, or when one assumes thought or action for another individual, or when there’s a difference in goals or direction.  Maybe one person veers away from what was previously agreed upon; possibly views or beliefs change, or just plain bad choices were made that we all make sometimes.  Uuggh!!  There’s probably a billion more reasons…but writing out the possible ‘why’s’ seem equally as frustrating as the disappointment itself!

I’ve DEFINITELY been there!  I think we all have.  And, I’m not going to go into disappointment detail, since the WHO and WHY are not nearly as important as the HOWHow do we deal? That’s WHAT this life is! Its’ figuring a way around, through, and over life’s obstacles,  disappointments, and challenges while we are encouraged and motivated in between with life’s joys and blessings.  The tools we use to conquer and come out on the other side stronger, wiser, and STILL HERE are crucial components to our “life survival pack”.   How can we move forward from being let down by someone we love?  THERE IS THE QUESTION!  AND THERE IS AN ANSWER!

…Jesus.  You’re welcome.  Til’ next time, be blessed!… 😉 Just kidding, sort of.

H O W ?

rustic broken heart

I see the “how” process as broken into separated pieces; as I, myself have recently been sifting through the pieces, trying to fit them together to make some sense of my own disappointment.  Each piece needs to snap into the other, one at a time, making the puzzle whole; creating a bigger picture that makes sense.  The first piece is in the acknowledgement of hurt. This sets the process of grief in motion, along with the rebuilding of a broken heart.  You have to allow yourself to let the disappointment be named, giving it a place in your life as part of the story. This is how we use it to our betterment; adding to our success story, and bringing us closer to Him.

1- Get sad   2- Get confused   3- Get angry   4- Get real

When we get sad, we are acknowledging the hurt and morning the loss of something we previously thought was there.  Something we thought was solid and true. (I.E., a friendship, a job, a position, a dependency, a trust, a point of view, a goal, etc.)

When I say, ‘get confused’, I don’t mean to throw your hands up in the air saying, “Welp, that’s it. No clue.  Its’ useless in trying to figure this one out.”  What I mean is to ask questions, converse toward clarity.  You can review past experience, behavior, and conversations to try and get a better feel about how this came about and why.  Its’ not a guarantee that you will find the answers, or that the answer may suit your piece of mind at all, but its’ important to explore the possible answers to identify the point of divergence in the road with communication or goals or whatever it is.

Getting mad is natural, expected, and good.  It is part of the process in releasing the hurt and pain.  You’re angry that what you thought was true, actually isn’t!  You’re angry that you now have to adjust to this new truth!  You’re angry that your new truth is not what you want to be true…its’ not what you planned on, or invested in, or value in any way!

Now GET REAL.  This is THE most important tool in your “life survival pack”!  Without this key component you are most likely going to hold on (for dear life) to one of the other steps in this process of moving on.  You’re going to get sad…and stay sad.  You might move on to the confusion and stay confused, never getting the sad-house-coloring-pageanswers you’re after.  You may skip really fast to getting really angry, and stay there.  Trust that you do NOT want to live sad, mad, or confused.  These places only build a barrier against those joys and blessings I mentioned that blossom in between or even amongst the challenges that are major in motivating us and encouraging us in beautiful ways.

This is total destruction and the exact opposite of what is intended for us in this life:

James 1:2-4
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

We need to see the trials we face as a sort of refinement or equipping process. Only God can use the sometimes terrible, awful, hurtful, disappointing trials in our life as a means of bringing us closer to Him while making us stronger, wiser, more gracious,  patient, faithful, and merciful.  We have to give Him permission to allow the transformation.  He won’t force it on us!

The GET REAL phase is also the place for decision and for action.  You decide based on beliefs and on what you hold most valuable to you what your next step should be.  It is imperative that you do not make any decisions of finality in the sad, confused, or mad stages.  Doing so would be relying on feelings alone to decide the fate of your predicament.  You might cut out a friendship or relationship that you regret later, or quit a job when just a straight forward conversation with your boss was necessary, you might vow to never do x, y, or z again that you eventually break, etc.  Feelings are fleeting, ever changing, unreliable, and NEVER permanent.  This may take days, weeks, months even, but you will NEVER regret waiting until all your emotions have been cycled and dealt with before you make some logical, faith based decisions, boundaries, moves, or adjustments in regards to the person who hurt you.

After accepting its’ real place in your life and go through all the emotions God has supplied us with as a means to mange the obstacles we face, I encourage you to see yourself as “more mature” and “more complete”; having persevered by faith.  That’s what God’s desire is!  To use our life; our every day, and our extraordinary experiences to transform us into something more like the image of God, more like Jesus who modeled for us everything we all so desperately want to be near.  (Whether we realize this or not.) And the goal is not to end there with you…the natural progression of this kind of transformation spreads.  This kind of love is contagious!

heart-puzzle-1158384

The more I experience…the more I live, the more I realize and am comforted by the fact that my God is always there, with me, residing in me, and guiding me. Isaiah 46:4 says, “I have made you, I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” He is and always will be the unfailing beacon I can look to and rely on for all things…especially in times of disappointment and regret! It cannot get any more real than that.

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Til’ next time, be blessed!!!
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Why Don’t You Pray About It?

Have you ever lay awake at night worrying and thinking and weighing and what if-ing?  Wondering what the right choice is, the right path, the best decision, or ideal plan of action?  What to do?  What to think?  What to decide?

Welcome to my world! — The mental Olympic Games of WORRY


praying hands

Do you have a spiritual icon?  Apart from Jesus Himself, I mean.  Someone…human, that you look to in awe, amazed at the way they live like Jesus?  The person that Matthew 25:21 directly applies to?  Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.”  I have one of those “good and faithful” servants in my life, that I get to witness, up close, what a life living through Him looks like.  

Pipe & Jerm

My sister-in-law, Piper and her husband, Jeremy

I also get to pick her brain in important situations to get a better idea of what God would also probably advise…since I swear they must be pen pal’s!  That’s my sister-in-law and best-est friend, Piper. I always joke that when she reaches the pearly gates, they will roll out a literal red carpet and all the angels will line up on either side, giving her those low high fives (like at basketball games) as she runs down, slapping each one, to explode onto the Biggest game of all!  I don’t know if there will be some pumped up, high energy music blasting her onto the heavenly scene or not…but wouldn’t be surprised.   😉   

Recently, when Josh and I were deciding who we should hire amongst the selected candidates of new contractors  to take over our little red house reno project, we were stumped.  More like terrified to make the wrong choice again and be in an even bigger pickle than we are now!

Side note:In_a_Pickle

(That’s a funny saying…doesn’t sound so terrible, I like pickles.  But maybe if I was actually trapped in one, I would think differently.  I don’t want that at all!)

They all seemed like good options, they all had balancing pro and con lists, if we went about the decision in a systematic, organized way. I would lay awake at night, thinking of each option, wondering which one we should hire.  Josh and I would have lengthy conversations about the best option, expressing our fear of making the wrong decision again!  Josh even said, “I wish someone else could decide; that way, if it all went wrong, then it wouldn’t have been because of my choice!”  We were scared of making a mistake and it seemed like the more we thought about it, the more we talked about it, the more everything seemed so uncertain.   What to do?!

I know!  ~~~  Call my spiritual icon, Piper and see what she has to say!

Me: “We don’t know what to do; who to choose.  This guy has A,B, & C…but also has X, Y, & Z.  This other guy has his own set of A, B, & C…but also his own X, Y, & Z’s too!  I went through our systematic pro’s and con’s list for each candidate.

Piper: “Well, did you pray about it?”

Me: “Oh. Ah…no.”

Piper: “You should probably do that and see if you can get some clarity.”

Me: “Oh.  Ah…right!”

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Philippians 4:6-7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

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How is that when it’s crunch time, I forget to enlist the help of basic biblical principles?  Pray about it!!!!! Duh!!!!!  How could I forget to do this?!  But I did and I do all the time!

You’re probably wondering if praying abut it helped at all.  And YES it did!  The choice became clear once I allowed the spirit to calm my spinning what if’s, giving me pause to see the best choice with the information we had.  Now, is this a fail safe?  Is our selected choice the absolute correct one, who will not let us down in any way, shape, or form?  I don’t know, honestly.  But, what praying did for me was chilled me out…calmed my fears of making the wrong choice.  Once I prayed about the whole thing, the choice that was best for us, became clear and “the peace of God” rested over us and our decision.  For real.

peaceful breeze

The peace of God swept over our hearts like a gentle breeze, making our decision seem more clear…lighter somehow.

Now…you try it!!

Til’ next time, be blessed!!
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Thank you so much for reading!
(Photo credits to Amaree Davis @ Picture Made Photography)

I’m Too Busy to Be Busy!!!

Once on Facebook my dear friend and sister-in-law, Amaree (Picture Made Photography) said something like, “This is what it’s like to talk to my sister-in-law, Kate on the phone who has three small boys, ‘Put that back in the refrigerator, that’s hot sauce…you cannot drink hot sauce.  What?  No, you cannot jump naked on the trampoline.  Hey!  Be careful!  That is definitely glass, put that down slowly.  What was that?  Where are you?!  Why are you in the trash?!…Oh, sorry, what were you saying?'”

IMG_1142And there it is.  That is exactly my life.  That’s the season right now.  My three crazy, lovable, ping pong ball boys are that busy from the time their beautiful blue eyes open, to the time they pass out from exhaustion at night.  And yes, I tend to dress like a homeless person, I have a permanent pile of laundry on my couch, my hair is never ‘done’, no matter how many times I bleach the bathroom it maintains the faint potpourri of little boy pee, the makeup I have on right now is left over from two days ago, and my nail polish I decided to add last minute for my birthday/Valentine’s day date with my husband is now chipping off every finger.  What’s left on each delicate nail is what looks like an inkblot test in pail pink.  Oh look, there’s Nebraska on that one, a butterfly on another…I now see chipping polish as a conversation starter!  Perfect for someone like me, who cowers in the presence of small talk.

As I was ‘dressing’ my two year this morning, which is more accurately comparable to wrestling a wild boar into human clothing, I was wondering how those moms who seem like they have so much substance in their life manage it all.  I know, I know…DEADLY, FUTILE, and USELESS to compare yourself to someone else when you don’t really have any idea what their life or inner chaos is like.  But we still do it.  I still do it all the time.

Like, the person I’m most perplexed and fascinated by, Joanna Gaines from Fixer Upper.  I’ve mentioned her before as an inspiration for giving me the guts to take on our version of a fixer upper.  From the outside, she seems to have it all…as a mind boggling talented designer, with a thriving business (including a store, home renovation for clients, a TV show, a blog, furniture line, paint line, an inn, a bakery, and a book), a loving husband, FOUR beautiful children, a farm (with a huge garden and livestock), gorgeous home they, of course, did themselves, a speaker, a passionate Christian who shares her testimony.  Blah, blah, blah…I know its’ sickening! 😉  How does she do it?!  It seriously blows my mind.  When I found out she and her husband have a book coming out, I threw my hands up in the air, ‘That’s it,’  I thought… ‘I give up!’  (Since I’ve been working on my own book for what seems like an eternity!)

*******

Our to-do lists, I feel, are very very different.  On my to-do list today:  finally pick up that sock that’s been hanging out in the hallway in the same spot for 9 days.  On her to-do list: design and launch her own line of family friendly cars and SUV’s.

*******

Theodore Roosevelt – “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

I can even do the comparing game with people and moms I know personally…amazed at what they are able to accomplish and how they seem to have it all together.  But, it’s so dangerous and pointless to go there.  I know it is.  For me, if I really focus on the things that I personally hold as most important to me…then, the answer gets clear as crystal…the joy in my life shines through.  Wrestling my two year old into his clothes that he is quickly growing out of is exactly where I want to be.  And I couldn’t trade the everyday I get with my little ones, before I lose them forever to the daily grind of school and after school activities and friends and their own lives separate from me.  Not a chance.  But I still wonder… could I do, could I be, should I give up, should I trade it in?    And I can’t possibly compare my life, comprised of the things I personally hold most important to me, to someone else’s who holds different things as most important to them.  Doing that can only create this unfair, unbalanced comparative in a false reality…painting myself as the one without or lacking…when, in truth, when I compare me to me, I am full and complete and accomplished in exactly who I want to be!

And what I’ve come to discover is, as mom’s…no matter who we are, we are always second guessing.  I met with a dear friend a couple weeks ago, who, from my perspective, has it all.  A fascinating career, loving husband, great house, and a super cute wee one. Talking with her helped me realize that us mom’s always wonder, is this the best way?  Am I doing it right?  Am I messing up and don’t even realize it?  Should I be doing something differently?  She told me she had recently read something that seemed to promote a style of parenting (of being a mom) that was the exact opposite of what she was doing and she was worried that her way was “wrong”.

But there’s that dangerous unbalanced comparative game again.  She was wondering if she’s doing it “wrong” because this other mom was making different choices than hers.  For my friend, when she really examined what was important to her, the answer became crystal clear also.  The choices she made for her own family and style of parenting perfectly suited the life she wanted to build and furthermore contributed to being the kind of mom she wanted to be for her lil one.  AWESOME.  Me too!  I know that if I added anything more to my busy life of boys right now…I would be tipping the scale into complete unmanageability and a tipped scalepossible extended stay at a mental care facility. 😉  I have all I want, all I can handle, all I want to balance….ALL of which is a great blessing to me and my life as a mom! (That, my friends, is knowing your right foot from you left!)

Galatians 6:4-5 Each of you must examine your own actions. Then you can be proud of your own accomplishments without comparing yourself to others.  Assume your own responsibility.

I encourage you to ask yourself the same kinds of questions.  What is important to you, what kind of life do you want to build, what kind of mom do you want to be?  Once those are answered, the path to get there or the realization you’re already there, will become clear as crystal and the balancing act will seem less of an act…more of an action.

I am too busy to be any more busy than I already am!  So, I’m happy to hold off on the store, and the home renovating business, and the TV show, and the furniture line/paint line, and the bakery, and the inn, and the farm, and the garden, and the speaking engagements, and even the book for now. ;)…  I’ll keep the blog though!

Til’ next time, be blessed!
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Thank you so much for taking time to read!